Monday 17 April 2017

Finding My Path

I've never wrote about this particular part of my life before but I can finally say I'm ready and although I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'm still rising and I'll get there.

Ever since I was young, I suffered from something called thanatophobia Thanatophobia is a phobia of dying.  It consumed my whole life.  I was unable to do anything without thinking about dying, someone dying, or even someone that was passed.  I lived with this for many years and began therapy at the age of eleven.  I seemed to have trouble understanding what would happen to me after death and the phobia ruined me.  When I was in grade nine and ten, I suffered from mental illness' that seemed to have taken over my life.  I lost my friends and somehow in the mix of things, I began to lose myself.  My life was a continuous cycle of forcing myself to wake up to go to school and drag myself class to class without having a breakdown in the middle of everything.

School was the exhausting part.  I had no motivation and the thought of bringing myself around those people everyday; the people that talked about me everyday, was dreadful.  I began to hate myself.  My anxiety took over my life to the point where I couldn't be seen in public.  Voices in my head told me how much the world hated me.  They told me how worthless I was every second of the day.  I questioned my life. Why am I alive? What do I have going for me?  Nothing.  I was nothing.  I remember every minute of my life being in panic mode because nothing was every okay.

In grade ten, I began to hate the way I looked and felt the need to lose weight- maybe if I lost weight, people would like me more.   I remember eating one meal a day and hating myself for allowing the smallest amount of calories into my body.  I developed an eating disorder without realizing it.  I suffered from anorexia and bulimia.  I wanted to be as skinny as those other girls.  I needed to lose weight.

That's when the panic attacks began.  It truly feels like you're dying from some unknown reason and there's nothing you can do but lay there and wait until it passes.  There's no way of stopping it when it starts.  It's by far the scariest thing that I have ever experienced and I've dealt with them more times than I should have.  I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression.

I began to fall behind dramatically with my academics and failed grade nine and ten math because I lost interest in trying in the subjects that I needed to put work into.  I skipped more classes than I can count which in the long run, hurt myself more than anything else.  Everyone had this idea that the reason I was skipping was simply because I was doing drugs.  Rumours spread faster than butter on a hot pan in that school.  In fact, I have never tried drugs in my life but somehow, everyone believed what they heard.

I truly hated myself.  I had no friends, I wanted nothing to do with my family, and felt like my life was going no where.  I stopped going to my hockey practices, my education was going downhill, my interest in anything was taken from me and I thought it would only get worse from there.

I had therapists and hospital visits for my mental illness' which nothing for me. I had nothing left to fight for.  I remember laying in bed researching the easiest ways to die.  The fastest and most painless ways.

I hurt myself in ways that will always stick with me however with my fear of dying, as many suicidal thoughts that may have occurred in my head, it just made everything worse.

I never thought I'd say this but one day, it all changed.

I remember this day like it was yesterday and I always will.  My parents called me downstairs to the living room and sat me down.

"We're moving to Newfoundland."

It changed me forever.

The first few months, broke me.  I missed my family and my so-called friends and was I was in shock for the longest time that I wasn't returning "home".  Slowly, everything became easier.  I walked into the High School and a boy shook my hand and said, "Welcome to Newfoundland".  That's when I realized, I was welcomed.  I was the new kid and the idea of no one knowing who I was, excited me. This time, I was going to do it the right way.  This time, I'm going to like who I am.  I found a family doctor right away and got to know her very well.  I didn't hesitate to tell her my history and she found me one of the best therapists I've ever had.  After a while, therapy just wasn't enough and we made the decision to put me on medication to regulate my anxiety.  I began to gain weight and look healthy again.  I didn't feel the need to "lose weight" to look good.  I began to read the bible and learn about my religion to understand death.  Eventually, I was able to accept the concept of death and dying without falling apart.  I learned about yoga and meditation to help relieve my depression and anxiety.  I gained friends at the school I went to and was welcomed to the school with open arms.  I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and somehow, I felt like a whole new person.


Today, I am a year out of High School after being the Vice President of Student Council, receiving a scholarship for "Respect from my Peers and Teachers", playing hockey on Team Newfoundland, and accepted into the Therapeutic Recreation program which will begin in May.  I want to help others like me; who feel like they're only choice is to give up.  I want to be their role model, their friend, and their reason to keep fighting.

I think moving gave me a new beginning and that's what I needed; to start over.

Sure, there are days that are harder than others.  And I would probably have a lot of trouble if I were to stop taking my medication.  But I'm fighting still and there's no way I'm going to give up now.

The reason I'm writing about my story is because some people give up earlier than they should and no one realizes how much better it can get until they've fought with every limb.  Not giving up on my life back then, was the best thing I have ever done because I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.

If I didn't move, I'm not sure if I would still be here today and knowing that I pushed myself to keep fighting, is something I will forever be proud of myself for.  I'm not saying it takes moving to a different province to be happy but maybe it takes changing your perspective on life.  Anyone can find happiness, you just have to find your path.









Monday 6 February 2017

"People remain people, whether behind keyboards or at your dinner table."

Cyber bullying is the use of technology to harass, threaten, embarrass, or target another person.  By definition, it occurs among young people however, it happens to people of all ages.  When an adult is involved, it may meet the definition of cyber-harassment or cyberstalking, a crime that can have legal consequences and involve jail time.


Despite what is said on news sites around the Internet, a movement against anonymous comments section has slowly gathered steam over the past few years.  In August 2013, the New York state legislature even debated an ambitious bill that would have required all website administrators to pull down anonymous comments from "social networks, blogs, forums, message boards or any other discussion site where people can hold conversations in the form of posted messages." https://www.theguardian.com/technology/us-news-blog/2012/may/23/anonymous-comment-ban-new-york

If everyone were to sit back and think about it, is allowing "strangers" to comment their opinion online for anyone to see worth the time?  Ultimately, whether people believe it or not, the negative comments wrote online either anonymously or not, is cyber bullying.

From experience, I have watched people I know, friends, family, and even myself at times re-read every little thing I write before posting, afraid of what people's response may be.  As a writer myself, I truly believe it should not be an option to leave your opinion online.

Posting a nasty personal comment or an insulting book review online- whether you're keeping yourself protected or not, is morally questionable.  Although in some cases, we want people to contribute to the conversation, if the conversation is worth having.  However not everyone that has something to contribute is something you, as a reader would want to hear.  Disallowing comments being made online such as on blogs, articles or book reviews could cut back on the amount of cyber bullying and cyber-harassment within online journalism.

I've never really been a fan of the comments section.  When writing on sites which allow comments to be made, it's the writer's choice to either read them or pretend they're not there however, avoiding them is quite difficult, if I say so myself.  

The question that tends to be floating around recently is, "Will there ever be an end to comments being available online?"  Honestly, probably not.  Although these negative comments may bring the writer's down and make others mad, there are positive comments within the negativity and cyber-harrasment as well.  Feedback from your readers is very important as a writer and without that, how can we receive the confidence we need to continue the inclined progress with our writing?

People remain people, whether behind keyboards or at your dinner table.  That means we can and do take action and decide what kind of spaces we want to create; it's for this reason, comment systems  have blocking tools and some social media sites have restrictions. 

When it comes to online newspapers, comments are thought to be an added value- providing another reason to read. You come for the article and stay for the interesting discussion.  The only problem is, there is no interesting discussion.  Almost never.  

The debate whether the "cyber-harrasment" should be stopped or not because of people needing feedback on their online writing, is ongoing.  

No matter who you are or what you're writing about, there will always be at least one person disagreeing with your opinion- and that's how the comments section will help them get their opinion publicized to you and your readers.



-T


Tuesday 31 January 2017

Fake News

I want to start with a broad definition of "fake news."  Often for the benefit of specific social actors-that then proves unverifiable or materially incorrect.  "Fake news" used to be called a propaganda.  Certain "fake news" websites deliberately publish hoaxes and disinformation purporting to be real news- often using social media to drive web traffic and amplify their effect.

When it comes to "fake news," there is nothing more destructive and dangerous however, there is also not anything more popular.  The dramatic problems which occur within news outlets are particularly the fake ones.

Many people believe "fake news" is a threat to democracy.  In the final three months of the U.S Presidential election, fake news stories brought more engagement than the top news networks across the country.  Rumours were spread worldwide bashing the candidates in the campaign which may have impacted their reputation in a negative or positive way.

In a sense, people want to hear what they truly believe.  When it comes to challenging someone's political beliefs, it activates the same areas of the brain involved in personal identity and emotional response to threat.  Therefore, if a person hears something that satisfies their beliefs, it's much easier to believe, rather than think of it as "fake."

"Fake news" story during the U.S. Presidential campaign in 2016.


The most shocking findings in 2016, shows that 93 per cent of college students couldn't identify lobbyists websites and biased sources of information.  The findings were equally close for high school students, less than 20 per cent whom knew that looking at one photograph was not enough evidence to prove if a story was true or not.

Social media has made it possible to spread news around the globe in seconds and make it viral in minutes.  The term has become widely used- too widely.  But it's understandable there's confusion when some "fake news" is only a bit fake, or fake for an arguably legitimate reason.

Some people say it's easy to tell "fake news" from "real news".  However, that is not true.  A recent study carried out by Stanford's Graduate School and college students assessed more than 7,800 responses from middle school, high school, and college students in the U.S. on their ability to assess information sources.

It's not that the readers are stupid, or even necessarily oblivious; it's that the news format is easy to imitate and some true stories are outlandish enough to believe.  In its greatest form, "fake news" is completely made up, manipulated to resemble credible journalism and attract maximum attention and, with it, advertising revenue.

Unfortunately, "fake news" will always be around and there's really no way to get rid of it.  There will always be at least one news outlet that wishes to become more popular, by giving their readers what they want to hear.  However by doing this, it does bring more attention to their websites, opposed to the real ones with information that readers disagree with.

Abraham Lincoln quote, 2006.
People must remember that the primary source is most important and until you hear the information from a primary source, anything can be "fake news".




- T